The Mars Bar… just bananas.

Beautiful, isn't it?

As I walked into the The Mars Bar I was struck the inescapable smell of dirty urinals and a hint of vomit.  Sadly, I had to go to the bathroom, where I found it smelled less like a urinal and more like a straight up port-o-potty. Lovely.  It takes only about ten minutes to forget about the smell, but mostly because you are distracted by everything else.  Graffiti from wall to wall, ceiling to floor. Loud music.  Sticky floors.  Characters of all sorts (I was hit on my a homeless man, a strait thug, and a Eastern European man alone on his birthday).  The bar tender bragged about her so-strong drinks.  Located at 25 Easy 1st Street, The Mars Bar has never left it’s hay-day of 80′s punk rock, and hopefully never will.

After sitting down with a beer a very drunk, dirty (but certainly attractive at some point in his past life) man, was sitting to my right and attracted my attention.  He had long, stringy blond hair and a guitar case to his side.  He had given two Swedish young men next to him a drawing of sexy aliens.  They bought in a drink for him which confused him very much, but in the end worked out.

I was taking notes on the graffiti when he turned to me and said, “Don’t let it sink in.”

“Why?” I asked.

“You’ll disappear,” he said, in a dead serious tone.

“Ohhhh, ok.”  I thought, It’s all so clear now.

At this point I had to ask myself a serious question.  To interview the drunkest man at the bar or not to interview the drunkest man in the bar?  That is the question. Lucky or unluckily for me, I had no choice in the matter, and he kept talking.  So, here is the interview I was unable to escape.  His name is Daniel and he is (more or less) what more than one of my ex’s are going to end up being within twenty years.

Daniel: I bask in ambivalence and soak in ambiguity.
Bar Fly: Are these quotes?
Daniel: No.  They’re just better languages, mean I’m still here.  We all got it wrong.
Bar Fly: Who?
Daniel: Everybody.  Other worlds aren’t trying to like — you know?  I don’t like anchovies but I don’t really know about them.  What I do realize is the next thing, best thing, that’s the slice.
Bar Fly: Oh.  (I’m writing fervently)
Daniel: Sex is f-ing wonderful, isn’t it?  When it works.  When it really works right?  But we’re talking about psychedelic personalities, they help you access the erotic.  It’s they only reason that they let those bombastic reverends on that show.  You know that story?
Bar Fly: No.
Daniel: TROY!  For f@*cks sake.  So, this [black guy] on the street can say I feel you.  I feel you on the street.
Bar Fly: (I have no clue what to say at all.  He sees and knows I’m writing and hasn’t asked me why or to stop. )
Daniel: You’re peachy, you are.  (He moves a stool closer, we had one in between us before.)   …I’m some sort of residual of the imaginary and trying to…. Udivitch kicks ass.  If she were here right now!  Anyway, man she trained for f-ing eight months before she played the roll of Viola and she really did that.  And the movie, people make the strain, that there’s a strain, but there is no such thing.  Ultra Violet!  I saw four times, had a silver El Camino.  And I was fourteen and there were alligators mating underground.

Don't sit, don't breath, don't touch anything!!!

Bar Fly: No, you’re making this up.
Daniel: No, that’s real. You know that sound when you hear it.
Bar Fly: I’m sure.
Daniel: They got the meaning behind anynimical wrong.  It means entrinsic more than intrinsic. (Huh?) Tell them to look that up.  (I haven’t told him what I’m writing for at any point and I don’t know who “them” is to him.)
Bar Fly: I’ll tell them.
Daniel: Thank you.
Bar Fly: Have you been here for a while?
Daniel:  Too long.
Bar Fly: Why?
Daniel: Because… America is death and wine and dumb and born to follow and I ain’t this loser, I just want to go back to nature.
Bar Fly: Good luck with that.  (He looks at me sadly)  Sorry?
Daniel: And nature and intuition evolves itself as a reflection of the authentic subjection therefore…
Bar Fly: Is this your thesis?
Daniel: My alibi. Therefor, the inter-dimentional continuity of the human brain will be preserved.  In a place with no privileges of narcissistic reflection – autonomy’s overriding power.
Bar Fly: What?
Daniel: Well, there’s a word for it.  Obviously, it leads to the heart of redemption of the heart for having a heart in the first place, you need redemption.  There’s a lot of people in the world who consider that a regression.
(At this point Daniel asks me to stop writing.  Not because he’s bothered by the writing, but because he has some private and ground breaking knowledge to share with me… I guess?  After a little while he nods to my pen and lets me go for it.)
Daniel: Yes, the world is round.
Bar Fly: Ha.
Daniel: Illuminating the end, not capital, so much is gone into.  …In seven years I have dreamt in this palace of exile.
Bar Fly: Ok, now you’re just quoting random things for sure.
Daniel: Jesus Christ!

Like I said, I couldn’t escape this interview, though it was not really an interview.  Daniel was probably crazy, possibly brilliant, definitely wasted. Being a bar fly is something that I am proud of, but good old Danny boy is a great reminder that everybody needs to come up for air sometimes.

The Mars Bar is the truest dive I’ve experienced so far.  Still, a place I’ll go back to with some friends, maybe with some air freshener too.

Back to my Roots at McSorley’s

Outside McSorley’s there’s a sign on the window that says, “We were here before you were born.”  As you walk past the barrels (of what I don’t know) and swing that old door open you already get that rough, but comforting old time pub feeling.  The floor is blanketed with saw dust and stray cats wander around drinking from abandoned mugs.  The menu is simple: Light or Dark beer.  And as you settle into an warn in wooden chair next to the open furnace, you feel at home.  According to the website, “everyone from Abe Lincoln to John Lennon have passed through McSorley’s swinging doors,” and though this place is known by many New Yorkers, it’s far from trendy.

Outside McSorley's

I got myself two mugs of Light (you can only order two mugs at a time) and sat down with some gentlemen in the back.  Chad, Patrick, and Michael were celebrating Mardi Gras in their own fashion and immediately got to mocking me and trying to turn the interviewer into the interviewee.  We began and I knew immediately I had no control over my interview or these rambunctious lads.

Patrick:  So, what’s you’re favorite beer here?  (Yes, he started the questions)
Bar Fly: There’s only light or dark.
Michael: Well, all together?
Bar Fly:  That’s a big question.
Chad: Ever been to Mardi Gras?
Bar Fly: No.
Chad: Why not?  What the hell is wrong with you? (multiple things)
Michael: Do you have bells palsy?
Patrick: He asks everyone that.  I don’t know why.  Put me down as Pat the wanker.
MIchael: Michael the fish diver.
Chad: Look at your writing!
Bar Fly: What about my writing?
Chad: You were making fun of me for my handwriting (on the waiver).
Bar Fly: Oh, but I can read this.  Why so many tats, Chad?
Chad: I have no idea.  It just happened that way.  I meant to stop at half sleeves.  Oh, I lived through Katrina.

From Left: Michael, Patrick, Chad. Fun guys.

Bar Fly: Did I ask about that?
Patrick: What’s your favorite fish?
Bar Fly: Tilapia?
Michael: Your favorite fish to dive for?
Bar Fly: Umm… I don’t know (why would I?). Where are you from?
Patrick: England.
Michael: Phili.
Chad: New Orleans.

Michael: He thinks he is.
Patrick: He didn’t even know Mardi Gras was today!
Michael: No, he just doesn’t know his day of the week.  He is from New Orleans though.
Chad: I knew Mardi Gras started on the 16th, I just didn’t know what day of the week today was.
Bar Fly: Do you have a job?
Chad: I told you, I work at Saks. (maybe he did but they were allll talking at once.)
Bar Fly: Do you guys come here a lot?
Chad: 1st time.
Patrick: But I f-ing love this place.  I give it a 95 out of 10.  (Points to a painting of a naked European woman and nods. Boys never grow up.)
Michael: I’m fucking standing on saw dust.
Chad: I just moved down the street. I live on 1st and Saint Marks.
**The guys get their bill and there’s some mummbling about the cost and figuring stuff out**
Patrick: I rate this place for Value: 10/10,  Service: 9/10,  Decor: 10/10.
Chad: What about the interviewer?
Patrick: 4/10 (ouch)
Chad: Oh, I give the interviewer 9.8/10.
Bar Fly: Thanks, Chad.

Nicole eating Bday pizza in the cold. Funny face.

Obviously that interview went a little off course, but was still fun.  Thanks guys for keeping it interesting.  And, as always, McSorley’s was a blast. Although it turns out they close a little early on weeknights.  Good to know.

Bzzz…  Bar Fly

Fat Tuesday at Continental

Sometimes you want to go dancing, sometimes you want to have a nice glass of wine with friends, sometimes you want an old booth for snuggling in, but just sometimes you want to get plain old drunk.  For those times, Continental is the place to be.  Five shots for ten dollars, yeah baby.

Continental, classy and right next to McDonalds

My friend Nicole’s birthday was yesterday, so Bar Fly was flying less than solo.  Continental is a big place and it wasn’t too crowded- did no one know that it was Fat Tuesday?  We got a big round booth and ordered a round of 2 dollar beers to go with the M&M brownies I baked for the birthday girl.  Our waitress was efficient, but lacked personality.  I guess sometimes that’s enough.  The movie projector on the back wall was playing classic Superman with helpful subtitles.  After a few rounds I went looking for an interview and found a group of messy boys all clad in plaid.  Jess, Dan, and Hugh invited me to sit, with their cute but not-matching accents, and we got crackin’.

Bar Fly: Where are you all from?
Danny: Ireland.
Jess: Australia.
Hugh: England.
Bar Fly: What the hell are you doing here?
Danny: Oh, that’s aggressive.
Hugh: We did a show last night.
Bar Fly: Let me guess, you’re puppeteers!?
Danny: Ha, no we’re in a band.
Hugh: Rockfest.
**Alex comes over and is hesitant to sign my waiver- yes, I’m official like that.**
Jess: Just sign it!
Bar Fly:  I just want your soul.
Alex: Ok, ok!
Bar Fly: What kinda music do you play?
Danny: It depends what instruments.
Jess: Funk Regae.
Hugh: Slash some rock.
Alex: If it’s good, it’s good.
Bar Fly: Who plays what?
Danny: Base.
Hugh:  (does some mime piano moves) Keys.
Jess: Skins.
Alex: Guitar.
Bar Fly: Are you all here for a while?
Danny: Two days.
Jess : We leave Thursday.
Danny: We’re leaving Thursday morning, but we can’t go to bed Wednesday really.
Alex: Tomorrow’s our last full day.
Bar Fly: Is it your first time here?
Jess: Danny’s first, but not everyone else’s.
Danny: This is our band’s first interview!  Too bad no one has said anything witty.
Jess: One day we’ll be huge and you’ll be famous for this!
Danny: And we signed all our rights away!
Bar Fly: What’s the bands name again?
Hugh: Rockfest.

Rockfest, From Left to Right: Jess, Danny, Hugh, Alex, and the lead singer who's name I never got... sorry!

Bar Fly: Ohhh, I get it, woops.
Danny: It’s funny because we don’t play rock.
Jess: We don’t stick to labels.  (1st band to ever say that, I’m sure!)
**The band picks on me for how slowly I’m writing**
Jess: You should learn shorthand.
Alex: You shitty note taker.  Ha, we’re joking.
Bar Fly:  (I’m bright red) So, has anyone gotten any ass yet?
Danny: In New York?  We’ve been here for one day!
Alex: You should have said vagina.
Bar Fly:  Oh, you guys say vagina.
Jess: Yes, we only say vagina, no slang.  (I sense some sarcasm.)
Hugh: Does that have to mean Ass literally?
Bar Fly: Ha,ha, Let’s see what else…. I see you guys like flannel a lot.
Danny: You should have seen us yesterday.
Jess: Flannel’s a material.  This is checkers (points to Danny).
Danny: Mine is fake flannel.
Bar Fly: Oh, but you’re legit, Jess.  How old is the band?
Jess: Six months.  We’ve always played music  Danny and I have played together for a while.
Alex: We just joined them.
Bar Fly: Who’s the leader.
Jess: He’s coming.
Alex: He’s a muslim.
Danny: But, like he’s strong about religion. He does a loud prayer before we perform.
Bar Fly: Oh sorry, ( have to flip a few pages) my notepad got a little messy, some random sketches.
Jess: If you want to do a sketch of us, I’ll pose.
Alex: You’ll have to take a picture of us for real though.
Bar Fly: I will.  OK, let’s end it before it gets messy.
Hugh: It’s getting messy?
Bar Fly: How’d you find out about this place?
Danny: A person on the street told us five shots for ten dollars.
Jess: That’s attention getting.
Bar Fly: …Let’s get some shots… So how’d you end up with this devout Muslim lead singer.
Jess: He has a good voice.
Alex: And he threatened to kill all of us.

Continental Bar

Bar Fly: American’s like this shit. (Sorry, that’s offensive, I know.)
Danny: The band’s help hostage by a belt of bombs he wears.
Bar Fly: OK, I think we took that far enough for real this time.  Thanks guys.
Jess: Don’t be a stranger!
Bar Fly: I won’t.  Feel free to come over and serenade the birthday girl!

The boys did come over, with the lead singer who was very nice.  They took some shots with us, but they did not serenade us. In, fact they kept insisting I sing some Irish songs I know.  Which I did not do for them, rather, I saved the singing for Nicole and Ian’s private show later.  What could be a better birthday present than having a tone-deaf drunken girl sing “Irish Rover” and “Danny Boy” a cappella?

Saint Jerome’s- Finally Somewhere For Me To Worship

How many people have told me to go to Saint Jerome’s?  Plenty.  A lot.  Enough.

My friend Mike and I went together and his preview of the place is that it is really dark.  He wasn’t kidding.  We rolled in to a  very dimly lit bar with dim with low, sexy lighting and movie-theater-sticky floors.  We got the corner seats at the bar and Mike preceded to buy us lots of beer and whiskey.  He’s a good guy  (I owe him around 25 dollars, I think).  I did have to ditch him for a while to be a bar fly, but he didn’t mind.  Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on (Johnny Depp version), the music was classic 80′s, and the bartender was a hot blonde girl who couldn’t stop fidgeting and climbing the shelves (though I’ve been told there’s often male bartenders with 80′s hair band hair).

Bouncy Bartender

After a few beers and talking some shit with Mike, I noticed a loner at the bar and went in for the kill.  Her name was Tanya and she was sipping on vodka cranberry and bopping her head to the Breakfast Club type music.

Bar Fly: Are you waiting for someone?
Tayna: I was actually.  I’m friends with the bouncer, my ex-boyfriend.
Bar Fly: He’s your ex and still a friend?
Tanya: Best of friends.
**Speak of the Devil, Chuck the ex comes over.**
Bar Fly: Hi, I was just interviewing Tanya here.
Chuck: Oh, cool.
Bar Fly: How long have you worked here?
Chuck: About a year, but I’ve worked all over this strip and this is my favorite spot hands down.  Good people, good music
Tanya: (mumbles) Sometimes. No, I like bars like this a lot but usually I come with someone I know.
*Chuck orders Tanya and him a shot*
Chuck: (to bartender/me, I think) I usually don’t do this but this lady right here is about to movie to South Korea in two weeks.
Tanya: (to me) I’m sorry.
Bar Fly: Don’t be, this is awesome.
Tanya: Yeah, I’m moving to South Korea for four years.
Bar Fly: Whys that?
Tanya: I like to travel. I’m in Finance right now, but I’m changing careers for the better.  Going into teaching.
Chuck: To you have a good time over there!
**Take shots**
Chuck and Tanya: Woo!

Chuck and Tanya

Tanya: I just wanted something different.
Bar Fly: Well, that sounds different.
Tanya: Yeah, and more legitimacy to it, there’s more meaning in teaching than in finance.  (And obviously we all agree that there’s sooo much meaning in being a professional bar fly)
Bar Fly: I definitely agree.  Both my parents are teachers.
Tanya: Oh, what did they teach?
Bar Fly: My mom taught 1st grade and my dad taught high school history.
Tanya: Awesome.
Bar Fly: Have you been here a lot?
Tanya: A couple of times, since I’m friends with the owner and bartender.
Bar Fly: What’s the best thing about this bar?
Tanya: It’s very different that’s for sure.
Bar Fly: How do you feel about the super sticky floors?
Tanya: It’s expected in bars like this.
Bar Fly: What’s your drink of choice?
Tanya: Cranberry vodka.  But I just started drinking beer so I’ve been drinking that a lot.
Bar Fly: Are you going to have one last roll in the sheets with Chuck?
Tanya: Ummm… no.   A lot of my friends actually ask me that, but we’re just really good friends.  I think the hardest part is finding someone else and telling them.
Bar Fly: Well, good luck with Chuck and with South Korea.
Tanya: Thank you.
Bar Fly: Cheers.

Some fun guys in a booth full of $2 Buds

I also met some friendly, guys at a table that was just having a blast.  One told me not to write a good review because he wants to keep the bar to himself and his friends.  He even was making up roach rumors, just to drive all you thirsty people away. Sorry!  The word is out!  In all, I’m glad for all the suggestions to go to Saint Jerome’s and I pass along the suggestion to the rest of you as well.

Glug, glug, glug,

Bar Fly

Getting Randy at International Bar

The view fom my corner seat at International Bar

I’ve been to International Bar once before.  I was with a guy and we kept to ourselves in the back for the most part. Needless to say, it didn’t really work out with said dude.  I wanted to come back and give this place another try, without my manly baggage. Though it is small, it’s still the kind of place where you can have some privacy in the back or join the masses at the bar.  Brick and purple walls with scattered artwork and a black ceiling make the place look like the nicest hole-in-the-wall I’ve ever been to.

Upon return to International Bar, I found myself a spot at the corner of the bar and got myself a classy Bud Light.  Then I took out my notepad.  There’s something about writing in a bar that just boggles peoples minds.  Using your brain? Right now?  Is that a good idea? So, shortly after the pen and paper came out, the bartender of the night, Molly (my cats name!) and Randy (aka hot dude) had me flanked, asking me what the heck I was up to.  After some banter, Molly told Randy to do the interview.  I have to be honest, I might have missed a few questions about the actual bar in this one- Randy was just so cute!  But the bar is a great place, with regulars, good music, and cheap drinks.  Did I mention it opens at 8am?

Bar Fly: How long have you worked here?
Randy: A little over a year.
Bar Fly: You work the door?
Randy: I bartend most of the time.  Molly makes me do the door to keep me out of trouble.  I do work Sundays, and they are the funnest.  Not as many people and we just sit around and get rowdy.
Bar Fly: And, you mentioned before you’re on the wagon?
Randy: Temporarily.
Bar Fly: Temporarily? I don’t think that is usually the plan.
Randy: Yeah, sure it is.  Sometimes you just gotta dry out, recharge the batteries, and then get back on the horse and ride around.
Bar Fly: So you drank a lot?
Randy: Define a lot?
Bar Fly: Blacking out more than three times a week.  (Looking back, I’d like to correct myself that blacking out at all is a lot)
Randy: Is there a level that goes beyond blackout?
Bar Fly: Haha, yes… What makes you happy, Randy?
Randy: The little things I suppose.
Bar Fly: I want a real answer.  What’s the last thing that made you happy?
Randy: The last thing that made me happy, hmm.  I have an appreciation for chocolate now that I’m on the wagon.  I don’t know, the usual guy stuff: guns, motorcycles, pretty girls, clean socks.

Randy, drinking OJ and Coffee, still having fun

Bar Fly: Are your socks clean right now?
Randy: Yeah, I got a fresh pair.  Straight out the package.
Bar Fly: How do you style your hair?  (I already know the answer, I just want to talk about his beautiful hair)
Randy: I lay in bed for copious amounts of ours.  I watch a lot of garbage.  I let the wind blow me around.
Bar Fly: How many tattoos do you have?
Randy: Every time I wake up a new one.  Usually it’s like I got wasted and wake up with another.  I have the fortune or misfortune of having a tattoo artist as a girlfriend.  (Bummer)
Bar Fly: Can you remember the worst fake ID you have seen?
Randy: I havent come across one that is just bad.  Just an obvious fake.  It doesn’t feel right, look right, everything’s off center.  It’s an obvious canal street fake.
Bar Fly: How long will you last on the wagon?
Randy: Another 15 days will be a month.  Then I’ll see what’s happening.
Bar Fly: …What do you like about International Bar?
Randy: Theres no scene.  Sometimes it’s a cowboy in town for the rodeo, sitting next to a gangster from Brooklyn, sitting next to a doctor, sitting next to a homelsss person and they’re all having a ridiculous conversation.
Bar Fly: Awesome.

Bar Fly stayed and hung out with Molly and Randy for a while.  Couldn’t leave!  Partly because I am, in fact, a bar fly.  But also because Molly was a total sweetheart and Randy was actually very funny in addition to being cute (though I had to reconcile with the fact that he had a girlfriend- don’t they all!).  The regulars were friendly drunks and the bathroom  had plenty of TP (but the door did not lock and I got walked in on, Hello!).  Wouldn’t be surprised if I end up here again next Tuesday.

Bzz, that was a good one.